It's there, but don't bother with it

I prefer not to post about these sorts of things [The ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings.], but Easel isn't home (well, she comes home tonight and hopefully we can have a nice long talk) and I don't really have the time (and nobody else does) to sit and chat on the phone and tell someone all that's going on, and few would know how all of this is actually affecting me. [ISFJs...When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life.] I'm going to go at this by introducing the problems I feel I can share starting with those of the most importance because there are two that I probably won't share. If you do decide to highlight and read, NONE of this leaves the blog.

Problem #1: Mehsha returned to school today. It was dad's final decision, but I think it was made for the wrong reasons. He says that he wants to finish paying for her braces first. Today, I finally heard that if Laurel Springs turns out to be the better choice for her, come winter, she'll be outta there. So, in a selfish manner, I'm hoping really hard that it doesn't work out. Yesterday we went shopping for her school supplies. Anyone can tell when I'm upset about something. There are usually the beginnings of tears in my eyes, I want to be by myself, I'm short in conversation...etc. In Target, that's kinda hard to do, but I spent all my time wandering the opposite side of the store and only met up with them at the check out counter (where I saw a sophomore in college that I know, so we chatted a moment...it was awkward). She and I have been fighting (mostly about this) since Sunday. We had quite the fight and I was far more emotional that usual. Everyone needs a good cry sometimes, but it never feels right when you cry. Nobody is pretty when they cry either, so it's just not natural. But I don't feel this is right for Mehsha [You deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.]. She's doing this for three reasons she could give me, and she left one out that we all know is the real reason. 1)She wants to please dad. Response: That's all fine and dandy, and it's what she should do. Children be obedient to parents, even if you don't agree with what they are saying (and even if it has nothing to do with you, ie.-me). She told me that she didn't really want to go back to school, which brings me to her next reason. 2) She is worried about the money situation and wants to do her part in helping out. Mom said that the $2000 that goes for her schooling is made by her working and that there's nothing she needs to worry about because school is a totally separate expense than the others we have. 3) New clothes and a cell phone. Dad says the cell phone ain't happenin' (thank goodness), but the new clothes she's all geared up for. We went shopping yesterday for a "back to school outfit" at the mall. Of course, it wasn't cheap. (I got this insanely soft hoodie for the cocoon feeling it gave off. It gave me a warm, cozy, calm feeling, but it didn't last.) WE ALL KNOW THE REAL REASON THOUGH! Social. Life. That's what she missed most and was the only reason why she has wanted to go back. Homeschooling she loved. The lack of association she hated. Yesterday after her orientation, she came home talking about all the clubs that this school offers. Over. My. Dead. Body. I know what happens when you join a club. I was in a few. That's NOT what she needs AT ALL. As you can see I'm still semi-upset about this, but the family is coming to terms on all of this and I'm losing my self-righteous attitude about it all, especially now that I've heard there is a strong possibility that if she blows 'em outta the water, she's going back to Laurel Springs. She'll kick that school's butt. I know she will. She may be a smart aleck, but she's also genius smart. She would have been gifted certified if she could sit still long enough to take the test. That's what I'm hoping happens. They aren't going to take her out if she doesn't like it though. I do think she'll be back next year though, in Laurel Springs. I'll be done and we'll be settled in a house, which brings me to the next problem.

Problem #2: Housing. Right now, we are in the tiny rental. Both mom and dad are getting fed up with looking and are discussing just staying, which would be fine if we had an office, but we don't and being here and the fact that we have come to love having guests about the house, it's come to our attention that a fourth bedroom/office is a necessity. What we need and what we are used to and what we would like to do are all out of our price range. The other OC is expensive. They think very highly of their county, for good and bad reason. This county is 98% white and they want it kept that way. You aren't allowed you put a mobile home on any more property now. It's a law. The existing ones can stay, but no new ones. What we came from in Snellville would run us around $400K out here. We've found the perfect house. No renovations necessary, unlike the one with the hot tub and putting green that would need a lot of help (plus that one now has a contract on it). The one we want is huge. It's bigger than our old one, but we would like to finish a basement apartment for our special pioneer out here and there's still room for in-laws, if that becomes necessary. It's got FIVE bedrooms! Master, Mehsha's, mine, guest, and office. The kitchen is wonderful and it's already got hardwood floors on most of the main floor. I'm in love. Anything else we have looked at since then has been "ehm..." to me. We put a lowball offer in and the builder countered. Dad spent three days reworking our budget and he figured we can do it. Then he and mom decided that they didn't want to be SO tied down and dad still wants to go to Europe next year and buy me a car. First of all, Europe has been talked about since they came home from Paris...ah, 15 years ago. I don't think we're ever going. Dad can't sit still with a car long enough for us to be slightly stable economically. In my 17 years of being with my father, we have had 13 cars. I think we've had more cars than stray dogs take up at our houses. Me+car= not urgent. I'm fine staying home if I don't have a vehicle, except my job kinda makes things a little difficult. We have three vehicles, but one is older than I am. That Ranger isn't going to quit, it just lacks A/C and dad doesn't have A/C all day long and if I have Jeepie...he's rollin' the redneck way: windows down, rear-view mirror missing, dented side. Whole nine yards. I'm not allowed to drive the hazard vehicle, though I love the way the treadless tires ride on dirt roads. All it needs is an "I Heart Watkinsville" bumpersticker, and I gotta get to Bell's to get one. I could talk about the car situation all day because it's been a stress factor too. As much as the housing situation is NOTHING I have control over, it's given off more stress than the things I can control.

Problem #3: One of the few things I find true joy in doing has become a "situation." For about six months, I've had a plan in mind that I was going to start continuous auxiliary in September and go on the regular pioneer list after six months. No big right? Well, String-bean Andy quit his job to finish school and will be continuous auxiliary as well. He started this month. Andy's mom has become my service buddy and she's going to be his too. This is horribly obvious to see where this is going. Friday, Sis. Circuit overseer's wife came out in service with us in the other OC and before she left with Eliza in the afternoon, she mentioned that I needed to be extra careful about what I wore etc. with a young brother pioneering as well. That's just dandy. First of all, Andy is NO WHERE NEAR someone I would consider dating or getting the least bit involved with. All adults say that things like that change when you spend a lot of time with someone, but honestly, Andy and I have NOTHING in common. Not a single thing. He can't tell, but most of my comments about the things he finds enjoyable are so loaded with sarcasm it's gushing out the sides. Andy and I do talk about his brother a lot though because Andy still has definite ideas about his brother and me, as well as his brother and his girlfriend. Second, Andy has a very serious girlfriend. They have plans for marriage in one to two years. It's gonna get sticky. I'm not going to bother to separate Problem #4 because it fits so well here: Deborah Clasky has my life planned, spiritually speaking. Having someone as enthused about this as I am is wonderful, but I hate to disappoint her if I find that I can't do more than 50 hours a month. This problem is on the wane because I can work with this one and it's not so urgent to be dealt with and I know here, I'm going to do my thing, although what Deborah wants does matter quite a bit to me. She and I have become close during these past seven months.

Problems #5 & 6 are on a non-share basis. Easel knows about problem 6 and what it's done to me, but I'd prefer if she was the only one at this point because I know what I should do about it, but it's not what I feel like doing. Problem #5 is only a cautionary problem at this point. It maybe a full blown red alert by the end of this year and things will have to change drastically, again. I've never done to well with drastic change. Things need to be slower. Less stress.